THERE IS SO MUCH SNOW AND ICE OUTSIDE ITS RIDICULOUS!
Funniest part of it all: Jessy thought it would be a good idea to go to work with his dad this morning, thinking that the store wouldn't stay open very long...guess what...now he's stuck there. Hahahahahahaahhahaha. I don't know why I find this so amazingly hilarious, but I really do. I can always find a way to laugh at the misfortune of others, does that make me a bad person? Maybe just a little? Sorry.
We are all officially homebound here in Nashville. I've heard that some of the main roads aren't too awful, but its all the roads that people actually live on that are impossible to drive on. I've gotten lots of texts and calls already this morning from friends, to tell me of their stories of perseverance as they walked to the grocery store. Its so funny to me, because if this had happened back in New York, no one would have even flinched.
I have a lot on my mind, and the one person I would like to talk to is the one person I am not supposed to be talking to. Its forming quite the conundrum in my fragile little mind. The problem is that I know I've already said too much to him, and that I'm probably only succeeding in just pushing him further and further away. I've got to keep my mouth shut. SHUT UP TORI. Someone please, just remind me to shut up, ok? Probably easier said than done, I'm a stubborn lady.
I need to find a way to distract myself today. What shall I do? Watch more movies? Play cards? Play video games? Clean (haha, I know, I laughed at that one too)? I just need to focus my energy on anything other than the text messages that still remain with no response.
John Mayer's My Stupid Mouth is flying like lightning through my mind this morning. Story.Of.My.Life.
Aye Tori, you are a mess. Get it together, this is not an attractive look for you.
Ok, drama over. Worrying=done. I need to learn to relinquish control...or what I like to think of as my ability to change situations and people. It can't be done. Its important to learn in this life that there are some things that you just have to let be. Well, its important for me to learn that anyway, that's a lesson I've gone 23 years merely trying to skim over.
I can do it.
I think.
30.1.10
29.1.10
Does it even exist? When we plan...God laughs in our faces.
When did I become such a cynic? That's what I would like to know right now. I always used to pride myself on being annoyingly optimistic about situations. No matter what, no matter how down-trodden a situation got, or sad I was, how upset I became, deep down, I always knew that there was something positive to come from it. Now...I don't know what I believe.
Don't get me wrong, I have a great life. I have amazing friends, wow the best. My family is spectacular, so loving and supportive. School is going really well...finally graduating in May, yay Masters! I am figuring out exactly what I want to do with my life (and it feels great). But there's something missing. The only thing I want, more than I want oxygen. I want to fall in love, for real this time. No jokes, no gimmicks, no mind games, just real and true love. Unfortunately, in order to that, I would have to have my faith in humanity repaired...that's a difficult one. If you think you can do that, my goodness, please go for it.
Why so jaded, you may ask? Its my own fault really. I see things from people that aren't there. I displace my own emotions and feelings onto those of others. I read too much into things... but I also take things at face value. If you tell me something, I'm going to believe you. I'm going to take your words to heart, I should have learned a long time ago not to do that.
I don't know why I was made into such a hopeless romantic. I don't have the answers to most of my questions about why love is so important to me. I've been showered with love from family and friends my whole life. Most people my age are so blessed to have already fallen in love by this point in their lives. I, well, I'm not that lucky. I thought I was in love, for a short time. But deep down I knew that's not what it was. I don't know what it was, but love it most certainly was not.
Why not me? I mean, my parents are so happy, and have been incandescently happy with one another since age 18. My brother and his wife have been together since they were 16. Most of my friends have found the love of their life, I am fast approaching the title of the "single one" (hate it).
Maybe its not me. Maybe its the choices I make in the people I date. I've dated some doozies, that's for sure. If you know me, you know my stories. They are out of this world! I thought recently, that maybe I'd found it. But it was too fast, it was too much, it was too real. Stepping away was the best thing to do, maybe better for him than me...he wants to date around...I don't date around, we all know this. Who knows, it could've been a line. So I searched out people I trust on this situation. Got the same answers from most of the girls I talked to, and the same answers out of the guys I talked to...and guess what...they were completely opposite. NICE. Men are from Mars, women from Venus, right? That seems to be becoming more and more true as I get older.
I was having a hard time with all of these things tonight, so I sought out my very good and true friend Garrett. Unfortunately, being a man, he told me many things I didn't want to hear. Some things, I expected, other things hit me from out of nowhere. However, he is a very deep and profound man, and I don't think I will ever forget his answer to my question of why is it impossible for me to find exactly what I'm looking for (or when I think I've found it, why can't I have it?):
"God puts people in our lives for a reason, some to challenge faith, some to inspire, others to enrich our lives. But all of it will lead to the person God has chosen for you. That's why I've stayed strong, all of it will lead me to my soulmate".
Told you, he is profound.
I've lost so much faith in people, and in love, that the notion of a soulmate has become foreign to me. I absolutely used to believe in soulmates with every fiber of my very being. I was so convinced that out of all the 8 billion people on this planet, surely one of them was put out there for solely for me, and I for him. That used to keep me hanging on. Then I did this retarded thing called "dating". Someone HIT ME IN THE FACE for thinking it was a good idea! Ok, I take that back. I've actually come away with some very good friends because of that choice. There are exactly 5 people I can think of whom I would never have ever known had I decided to not date. And those 5 people are 5 people I am so insanely close to, I can tell them anything. I don't have to talk to them every day, but I know they are always there for me, and I am there for them.
I'm continuing my conversation with my very deep friend as I type this frenzy of words here. He just posed the following question "think back about all the people in your life. Has anyone ever been in your life exactly when they needed to be?". Answer? BIG RESOUNDING NO. Maybe that's because I need to get all my stuff together first, and just focus on making myself happy.
I can tell you exactly the last time that I lived my life just for me. The summer before and my entire junior year of college. I was in the best shape of my life, my grades were phenomenol, everyone knew me, I was completely content being me. I didn't need anyone else to complete me, which made me appreciate every one so much more. But then I got overwhelmed. I had to impress everyone. I had to live up to unrealistic expectations I had set for myself. I became a shell of my former self. On the outside, I was still the Tori that everyone knew, but on the inside, it became a daily struggle. It only got massively worse when I started dating Satan. He sucked the very life out of me. I'm still trying to get it back, and I want it back the way it was before I ever even knew him.
I want to laugh and mean it all the time, I want to be effortlessly happy everyday. I want to believe people when they tell me I'm worth more than what I have been dealt thus far in my life. I used to believe it all. But then I did something stupid. I let other people determine my worth. I let their decisions determine the course of my life. Up until this last guy I met, I became what every guy wanted me to be, and it was never fully me. It was a distorted version of myself. I could always find little bits and pieces of me in there, but I always walked away going "who the hell was that?".
Being with someone, being in a relationship, should mean having no issue being entirely yourself. Our faults should be viewed as quirky character traits that only that one special person can truly love and enjoy. I know I'm not perfect...in fact, I'm not even in the same stratosphere as perfect, but for someone...I will be. I will be everything he needs, everything he wants, forever. Forever is such a long time, eh? But who doesn't honestly want to find forever with someone? Ok well maybe someone with antisocial personality disorder, or a paranoid schizophrenic, or even someone with paranoid personality disorder, but that's a totally different situation.
I need to find my faith again. My life made more sense when it was ruled by faith. I gave up on all of that so long ago, and I wish I never had. I'm glad that I'm finally realizing how far away I've strayed, and I know its going to be killer trying to work my way back to that. I have to believe there is a plan for my life, and I have to believe that love is a part of that plan. There is no reason why I would have such a capacity for love, such a desire for love, if I am not meant to have it. I know its out there somewhere, and I know I have to be patient. The man I am supposed to spend my life with could be someone I've never even met yet, or he could be someone I already know. Its timing, and its God's plan...not mine.
Let's just all hope that I can hold strong to this, and that I can remain the strong-willed, stubborn girl that everyone knows and loves (right?) :). I have to, otherwise I will be miserable until the day I die.
He's out there, we just both have to get our acts together, get our lives on the right tracks that will lead us straight to one another. And once the timing is right, then the place will be right, we will be right, and there will be no looking back, no second guessing, no cold feet. If I don't maintain this belief, I would be betraying my very core. I would be throwing out everything I have always believed in.
And I have always, always believed in love.
Don't get me wrong, I have a great life. I have amazing friends, wow the best. My family is spectacular, so loving and supportive. School is going really well...finally graduating in May, yay Masters! I am figuring out exactly what I want to do with my life (and it feels great). But there's something missing. The only thing I want, more than I want oxygen. I want to fall in love, for real this time. No jokes, no gimmicks, no mind games, just real and true love. Unfortunately, in order to that, I would have to have my faith in humanity repaired...that's a difficult one. If you think you can do that, my goodness, please go for it.
Why so jaded, you may ask? Its my own fault really. I see things from people that aren't there. I displace my own emotions and feelings onto those of others. I read too much into things... but I also take things at face value. If you tell me something, I'm going to believe you. I'm going to take your words to heart, I should have learned a long time ago not to do that.
I don't know why I was made into such a hopeless romantic. I don't have the answers to most of my questions about why love is so important to me. I've been showered with love from family and friends my whole life. Most people my age are so blessed to have already fallen in love by this point in their lives. I, well, I'm not that lucky. I thought I was in love, for a short time. But deep down I knew that's not what it was. I don't know what it was, but love it most certainly was not.
Why not me? I mean, my parents are so happy, and have been incandescently happy with one another since age 18. My brother and his wife have been together since they were 16. Most of my friends have found the love of their life, I am fast approaching the title of the "single one" (hate it).
Maybe its not me. Maybe its the choices I make in the people I date. I've dated some doozies, that's for sure. If you know me, you know my stories. They are out of this world! I thought recently, that maybe I'd found it. But it was too fast, it was too much, it was too real. Stepping away was the best thing to do, maybe better for him than me...he wants to date around...I don't date around, we all know this. Who knows, it could've been a line. So I searched out people I trust on this situation. Got the same answers from most of the girls I talked to, and the same answers out of the guys I talked to...and guess what...they were completely opposite. NICE. Men are from Mars, women from Venus, right? That seems to be becoming more and more true as I get older.
I was having a hard time with all of these things tonight, so I sought out my very good and true friend Garrett. Unfortunately, being a man, he told me many things I didn't want to hear. Some things, I expected, other things hit me from out of nowhere. However, he is a very deep and profound man, and I don't think I will ever forget his answer to my question of why is it impossible for me to find exactly what I'm looking for (or when I think I've found it, why can't I have it?):
"God puts people in our lives for a reason, some to challenge faith, some to inspire, others to enrich our lives. But all of it will lead to the person God has chosen for you. That's why I've stayed strong, all of it will lead me to my soulmate".
Told you, he is profound.
I've lost so much faith in people, and in love, that the notion of a soulmate has become foreign to me. I absolutely used to believe in soulmates with every fiber of my very being. I was so convinced that out of all the 8 billion people on this planet, surely one of them was put out there for solely for me, and I for him. That used to keep me hanging on. Then I did this retarded thing called "dating". Someone HIT ME IN THE FACE for thinking it was a good idea! Ok, I take that back. I've actually come away with some very good friends because of that choice. There are exactly 5 people I can think of whom I would never have ever known had I decided to not date. And those 5 people are 5 people I am so insanely close to, I can tell them anything. I don't have to talk to them every day, but I know they are always there for me, and I am there for them.
I'm continuing my conversation with my very deep friend as I type this frenzy of words here. He just posed the following question "think back about all the people in your life. Has anyone ever been in your life exactly when they needed to be?". Answer? BIG RESOUNDING NO. Maybe that's because I need to get all my stuff together first, and just focus on making myself happy.
I can tell you exactly the last time that I lived my life just for me. The summer before and my entire junior year of college. I was in the best shape of my life, my grades were phenomenol, everyone knew me, I was completely content being me. I didn't need anyone else to complete me, which made me appreciate every one so much more. But then I got overwhelmed. I had to impress everyone. I had to live up to unrealistic expectations I had set for myself. I became a shell of my former self. On the outside, I was still the Tori that everyone knew, but on the inside, it became a daily struggle. It only got massively worse when I started dating Satan. He sucked the very life out of me. I'm still trying to get it back, and I want it back the way it was before I ever even knew him.
I want to laugh and mean it all the time, I want to be effortlessly happy everyday. I want to believe people when they tell me I'm worth more than what I have been dealt thus far in my life. I used to believe it all. But then I did something stupid. I let other people determine my worth. I let their decisions determine the course of my life. Up until this last guy I met, I became what every guy wanted me to be, and it was never fully me. It was a distorted version of myself. I could always find little bits and pieces of me in there, but I always walked away going "who the hell was that?".
Being with someone, being in a relationship, should mean having no issue being entirely yourself. Our faults should be viewed as quirky character traits that only that one special person can truly love and enjoy. I know I'm not perfect...in fact, I'm not even in the same stratosphere as perfect, but for someone...I will be. I will be everything he needs, everything he wants, forever. Forever is such a long time, eh? But who doesn't honestly want to find forever with someone? Ok well maybe someone with antisocial personality disorder, or a paranoid schizophrenic, or even someone with paranoid personality disorder, but that's a totally different situation.
I need to find my faith again. My life made more sense when it was ruled by faith. I gave up on all of that so long ago, and I wish I never had. I'm glad that I'm finally realizing how far away I've strayed, and I know its going to be killer trying to work my way back to that. I have to believe there is a plan for my life, and I have to believe that love is a part of that plan. There is no reason why I would have such a capacity for love, such a desire for love, if I am not meant to have it. I know its out there somewhere, and I know I have to be patient. The man I am supposed to spend my life with could be someone I've never even met yet, or he could be someone I already know. Its timing, and its God's plan...not mine.
Let's just all hope that I can hold strong to this, and that I can remain the strong-willed, stubborn girl that everyone knows and loves (right?) :). I have to, otherwise I will be miserable until the day I die.
He's out there, we just both have to get our acts together, get our lives on the right tracks that will lead us straight to one another. And once the timing is right, then the place will be right, we will be right, and there will be no looking back, no second guessing, no cold feet. If I don't maintain this belief, I would be betraying my very core. I would be throwing out everything I have always believed in.
And I have always, always believed in love.
9.1.10
To feel or not to feel.
I've spent the better part of my life as a self-described hopeless romantic. I had the dream that a man would come along and realize that I am all he would ever need for the rest of his life, and that he would go through hell or high water to be with me. I prayed and prayed that there was someone out there for me, I mean surely, in a world of 8 billion people, there's got to be someone, right?
I have prayed to God that He would send me someone to love. But I guess its that whole unanswered prayer thing again. It is highly possible that I'm not meant to find anyone. I mean, some people do go through their whole lives without ever truly finding love. What makes me think that I should deserve it?
I didn't date in high school, mostly because I didn't want to. In college, however, new doors opened and date I certainly did. Nothing ever panned out though, none of those guys were right for me. And then a guy came along who really liked me, who claimed to love me, and I jumped right in. I didn't recognize the fact that he was a bad person all around or that he was cruel and mean. I so desperately wanted to know what love felt like, that I put up with it...for far too long.
So then I closed myself off. I decided to be done with trying. But I knew I couldn't live that way. Its just not who I am. So I opened myself back up. I went on a number of dates, things didn't pan out for whatever reason, or we found that we could be the best of friends but that's about it.
I feel destined to forever be the best friend. Its a role I fit into quite well. I know I'm nothing special; if I was, someone would have recognized that by now, right? Someone would have seen that I'm everything he needs. But its not happening. I'm just middle of the road, slightly mediocre, plain ol' Tori. I wish someone would come along who could see there's so much more to me. I wish someone would come along who could see just how much I have to give. Because good grief do I have a lot to give. I was made to love someone wholeheartedly, and I just can't understand why I'm not enough in anyone's eyes to do so.
There's a reason I put up walls in my life. I don't like to open myself up to being hurt. Believe me, I've been hurt enough for a flippin' lifetime.
So where do I go from here? Do I keep letting myself get hurt? Do I put hope and faith into something that I'm not even sure exists? What I can feel happening is that I am closing up, I am going to start pushing people away.
Is love even real? Maybe I should stop watching so many girly movies that give us unrealistic expectations of love. Maybe I should just live in reality and accept the life I have. You don't open yourself up and you can't get hurt. But at the same time, I don't believe that either. We wouldn't have been given a range of emotions if we weren't supposed to feel them. Closing myself off from being hurt could close me off from living. It could keep me from finding that person I'm supposed to find. But, it could also keep my already fragile heart safe.
I should more like a guy, you know? Guys don't invest much into relationships. They look out for themselves only, well usually. And its really not a good thing when you just give them what they want, because then they don't feel like they need to try anymore or feel like they need to invest anything in you. Sometimes I feel like guys prey on girls like me. You know, the ones with little to no self-esteem, the ones who have been trampled and would give almost anything to feel loved again, the ones who are so ready to give themselves away. Eh I don't know what I'm saying half the time. My head is so full of emotions and thoughts, I kind of hate it. I want it to just shut up for a little while. Shh brain, hush.
And then there are the times when a guy likes you, but is also searching for something better to come along. Its certainly happened to me before. I'm great until someone more awesome waltzes in (and being more awesome is not difficult). Maybe I should stop being so hard on myself. Its hard to sit back and watch everyone else in my life be so happy in their relationships. They are all starting to settle down, more into the next phase of life's progression, and I feel like I'm being left behind in a lot of ways.
There's also the times, and this is my most experienced situation, when I want someone I just can't have. The unattainable has always been so appealing to me. Wanting someone who is just too good for you is painful, because they will never allow themselves to get to know you.
Its important to learn not to invest too much into people. Keep your distance, keep your sanity. Don't allow yourself to get attached, don't allow your heart to get involved. Those are the rules I should be following I suppose. To feel or not to feel, that is the question. I just know that there has got to be more to life than just this.I don't want to give up on love, I don't want to accept defeat. But I don't want to open myself up to pain either. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't like being confused and not knowing what's next. I need to know where things are going, so I know whether or not to move on and stop wasting my time. I feel like I need those big prompter cards, you know what I mean? Perhaps a road map for the rest of my life, that'd be pretty awesome.
Sappy, I know, but a lot of it is speaking right to my heart currently. I think I needed to do this. I needed to sob out my emotions and write it out, and hopefully then just put it away. I think I need to turn off my heart for a little while. I'm not the girl who is going to end up with the man of my dreams, I'm the kind of girl who will either end up alone or end up severely settling. I so want to be proven wrong, I just keep praying that someone will prove me wrong.
I have prayed to God that He would send me someone to love. But I guess its that whole unanswered prayer thing again. It is highly possible that I'm not meant to find anyone. I mean, some people do go through their whole lives without ever truly finding love. What makes me think that I should deserve it?
I didn't date in high school, mostly because I didn't want to. In college, however, new doors opened and date I certainly did. Nothing ever panned out though, none of those guys were right for me. And then a guy came along who really liked me, who claimed to love me, and I jumped right in. I didn't recognize the fact that he was a bad person all around or that he was cruel and mean. I so desperately wanted to know what love felt like, that I put up with it...for far too long.
So then I closed myself off. I decided to be done with trying. But I knew I couldn't live that way. Its just not who I am. So I opened myself back up. I went on a number of dates, things didn't pan out for whatever reason, or we found that we could be the best of friends but that's about it.
I feel destined to forever be the best friend. Its a role I fit into quite well. I know I'm nothing special; if I was, someone would have recognized that by now, right? Someone would have seen that I'm everything he needs. But its not happening. I'm just middle of the road, slightly mediocre, plain ol' Tori. I wish someone would come along who could see there's so much more to me. I wish someone would come along who could see just how much I have to give. Because good grief do I have a lot to give. I was made to love someone wholeheartedly, and I just can't understand why I'm not enough in anyone's eyes to do so.
There's a reason I put up walls in my life. I don't like to open myself up to being hurt. Believe me, I've been hurt enough for a flippin' lifetime.
So where do I go from here? Do I keep letting myself get hurt? Do I put hope and faith into something that I'm not even sure exists? What I can feel happening is that I am closing up, I am going to start pushing people away.
Is love even real? Maybe I should stop watching so many girly movies that give us unrealistic expectations of love. Maybe I should just live in reality and accept the life I have. You don't open yourself up and you can't get hurt. But at the same time, I don't believe that either. We wouldn't have been given a range of emotions if we weren't supposed to feel them. Closing myself off from being hurt could close me off from living. It could keep me from finding that person I'm supposed to find. But, it could also keep my already fragile heart safe.
I should more like a guy, you know? Guys don't invest much into relationships. They look out for themselves only, well usually. And its really not a good thing when you just give them what they want, because then they don't feel like they need to try anymore or feel like they need to invest anything in you. Sometimes I feel like guys prey on girls like me. You know, the ones with little to no self-esteem, the ones who have been trampled and would give almost anything to feel loved again, the ones who are so ready to give themselves away. Eh I don't know what I'm saying half the time. My head is so full of emotions and thoughts, I kind of hate it. I want it to just shut up for a little while. Shh brain, hush.
And then there are the times when a guy likes you, but is also searching for something better to come along. Its certainly happened to me before. I'm great until someone more awesome waltzes in (and being more awesome is not difficult). Maybe I should stop being so hard on myself. Its hard to sit back and watch everyone else in my life be so happy in their relationships. They are all starting to settle down, more into the next phase of life's progression, and I feel like I'm being left behind in a lot of ways.
There's also the times, and this is my most experienced situation, when I want someone I just can't have. The unattainable has always been so appealing to me. Wanting someone who is just too good for you is painful, because they will never allow themselves to get to know you.
Its important to learn not to invest too much into people. Keep your distance, keep your sanity. Don't allow yourself to get attached, don't allow your heart to get involved. Those are the rules I should be following I suppose. To feel or not to feel, that is the question. I just know that there has got to be more to life than just this.I don't want to give up on love, I don't want to accept defeat. But I don't want to open myself up to pain either. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't like being confused and not knowing what's next. I need to know where things are going, so I know whether or not to move on and stop wasting my time. I feel like I need those big prompter cards, you know what I mean? Perhaps a road map for the rest of my life, that'd be pretty awesome.
Sappy, I know, but a lot of it is speaking right to my heart currently. I think I needed to do this. I needed to sob out my emotions and write it out, and hopefully then just put it away. I think I need to turn off my heart for a little while. I'm not the girl who is going to end up with the man of my dreams, I'm the kind of girl who will either end up alone or end up severely settling. I so want to be proven wrong, I just keep praying that someone will prove me wrong.
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