To feel or not to feel.

I've spent the better part of my life as a self-described hopeless romantic. I had the dream that a man would come along and realize that I am all he would ever need for the rest of his life, and that he would go through hell or high water to be with me. I prayed and prayed that there was someone out there for me, I mean surely, in a world of 8 billion people, there's got to be someone, right?


I have prayed to God that He would send me someone to love. But I guess its that whole unanswered prayer thing again. It is highly possible that I'm not meant to find anyone. I mean, some people do go through their whole lives without ever truly finding love. What makes me think that I should deserve it? 


I didn't date in high school, mostly because I didn't want to. In college, however, new doors opened and date I certainly did. Nothing ever panned out though, none of those guys were right for me. And then a guy came along who really liked me, who claimed to love me, and I jumped right in. I didn't recognize the fact that he was a bad person all around or that he was cruel and mean. I so desperately wanted to know what love felt like, that I put up with it...for far too long. 


So then I closed myself off. I decided to be done with trying. But I knew I couldn't live that way. Its just not who I am. So I opened myself back up. I went on a number of dates, things didn't pan out for whatever reason, or we found that we could be the best of friends but that's about it. 


I feel destined to forever be the best friend. Its a role I fit into quite well. I know I'm nothing special; if I was, someone would have recognized that by now, right? Someone would have seen that I'm everything he needs. But its not happening. I'm just middle of the road, slightly mediocre, plain ol' Tori. I wish someone would come along who could see there's so much more to me. I wish someone would come along who could see just how much I have to give. Because good grief do I have a lot to give. I was made to love someone wholeheartedly, and I just can't understand why I'm not enough in anyone's eyes to do so. 


There's a reason I put up walls in my life. I don't like to open myself up to being hurt. Believe me, I've been hurt enough for a flippin' lifetime. 


So where do I go from here? Do I keep letting myself get hurt? Do I put hope and faith into something that I'm not even sure exists? What I can feel happening is that I am closing up, I am going to start pushing people away. 


Is love even real? Maybe I should stop watching so many girly movies that give us unrealistic expectations of love. Maybe I should just live in reality and accept the life I have. You don't open yourself up and you can't get hurt. But at the same time, I don't believe that either. We wouldn't have been given a range of emotions if we weren't supposed to feel them. Closing myself off from being hurt could close me off from living. It could keep me from finding that person I'm supposed to find. But, it could also keep my already fragile heart safe. 


I should more like a guy, you know? Guys don't invest much into relationships. They look out for themselves only, well usually. And its really not a good thing when you just give them what they want, because then they don't feel like they need to try anymore or feel like they need to invest anything in you. Sometimes I feel like guys prey on girls like me. You know, the ones with little to no self-esteem, the ones who have been trampled and would give almost anything to feel loved again, the ones who are so ready to give themselves away. Eh I don't know what I'm saying half the time. My head is so full of emotions and thoughts, I kind of hate it. I want it to just shut up for a little while. Shh brain, hush. 


And then there are the times when a guy likes you, but is also searching for something better to come along. Its certainly happened to me before. I'm great until someone more awesome waltzes in (and being more awesome is not difficult). Maybe I should stop being so hard on myself. Its hard to sit back and watch everyone else in my life be so happy in their relationships. They are all starting to settle down, more into the next phase of life's progression, and I feel like I'm being left behind in a lot of ways. 


There's also the times, and this is my most experienced situation, when I want someone I just can't have. The unattainable has always been so appealing to me. Wanting someone who is just too good for you is painful, because they will never allow themselves to get to know you. 


Its important to learn not to invest too much into people. Keep your distance, keep your sanity. Don't allow yourself to get attached, don't allow your heart to get involved. Those are the rules I should be following I suppose. To feel or not to feel, that is the question. I just know that there has got to be more to life than just this.I don't want to give up on love, I don't want to accept defeat. But I don't want to open myself up to pain either. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't like being confused and not knowing what's next. I need to know where things are going, so I know whether or not to move on and stop wasting my time. I feel like I need those big prompter cards, you know what I mean? Perhaps a road map for the rest of my life, that'd be pretty awesome. 




Sappy, I know, but a lot of it is speaking right to my heart currently. I think I needed to do this. I needed to sob out my emotions and write it out, and hopefully then just put it away. I think I need to turn off my heart for a little while. I'm not the girl who is going to end up with the man of my dreams, I'm the kind of girl who will either end up alone or end up severely settling. I so want to be proven wrong, I just keep praying that someone will prove me wrong.