Go. to. sleep.

I should be asleep....its 2:45am, I really really should be asleep. But our friends left a little bit ago, Bella is whining because the blanket I put in her crate wasn't totally dry, and I'm hungry. Pregnancy makes you SO HUNGRY. Right now, in this moment, I would love to have a nice double order of waffle house hashbrowns, scattered, covered, and chunked. Yep, my mouth is watering just thinking about it, that's how badly I want some. In the meantime, I'll settle for my banana and fiber one bar (surprisingly tasty). 


I was thinking the other day about dreams. I had so many dreams for my life. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to make an impact, I wanted to change someone's life. Things are...different now. Not in a bad way, just different. Its weird to not put myself first ever. I don't often think about what I want, and even when I do, its for a fleeting moment. I have two concerns in this life: Avery and Levi...not necessarily in that order. I find myself willingly pushing my own wants and needs out of the way in order to ensure their happiness. 


For Avery, all I ask for is the world. That doesn't seem like too much to ask, honestly. Why shouldn't she have it all? I don't want her to be afraid to live out her dreams. For Levi...I just want him to be happy. Whatever that means, what ever it takes, I just love to see him happy. I hate seeing him go to work every day to a job he hates, working himself so hard so that I can have a life he seems to think I deserve. Its amazing to me sometimes to think of how quickly my plans changed. Don't misunderstand, I'm not unhappy about it, its just crazy. Deep down, I always wanted to be a wife and a mother, and I'm getting both of those things...its just...almost overwhelming sometimes. But in the best way possible. I can't wait for our baby to get here, and I love waking up every day knowing I get to spend it with a man I love. 


I was told this week to think about what I wanted for myself...I'm constantly told not to forget about myself. That's much easier said than done, I'm finding. Between laundry, cleaning, taking care of dogs, cooking, taking care of a husband, and preparing myself for the baby, I find that I'm sometimes losing myself. It doesn't scare me or worry me, I guess I think that its normal. I watched my mom live for the three of us my whole life, so I guess innately I know its the role I'm supposed to take on. I don't know...its an adjustment.


(I'm writing this and trying to be quiet, but I'm whisper-yelling at Bella for being so loud, and trying to quietly open my snack bar. I never realized how loud typing could be either....I just don't want to wake Levi (although at this point I believe that to be impossible...he is a heavy sleeper). )


I think the real reason I'm up is because my mind just won't shut off tonight. I think about a million things a day...mostly of them having to do with Avery and our changing lives. I wonder if I'll be a good mom, I wonder if all these motherly instincts will kick in when she gets here or if I seriously need to go read one of the ten million books out there on parenting. I wonder if I'll ever figure out the whole good-wife thing. I try, but I know its taking some getting used to. I wonder if I'll ever figure out the right balance of things. Its a lot harder than I ever imagined. 


I think I'm getting there...its only been two months of marriage but I'm kind of on the fast track here. I have a lot of learning to do in a very short time. I don't regret it, not in the slightest. I wouldn't change anything. I love my life. I'm happier than I've ever been, I'm just still learning is all. 

Ch-ch-changes...

I can't even begin to believe how much my life has changed since I last posted. 


I mean, honestly, I cannot wrap my mind around it some days. I often wonder if I'm dreaming. After everything I've been through, everything I've seen in life and in love, I finally found what I've been looking for. 


So that guy all of my sad, sappy posts were about...you know the one, right? Well, it turns out that he is the love of my life...and even more amazingly, I'm the love of his. I don't know how it happened, or really even when it did, but I do know one day I woke up and realized I was head over heels in love. 


It is the single most amazing thing to wake up every day and realize that I married my best friend. Yes, it was quick, but I wouldn't change it. Not a second of it. Not only did I get to marry this incredible man, but I was even more blessed to find out that we were going to be parents. Now that was a roller coaster ride for everyone else, but for the two of us, it was the most exciting, amazing, and blessed news we had ever gotten. We are welcoming a beautiful baby girl into our lives at the end of October...and I cannot wait. 


I'm surprised that I started writing again. But, Levi is playing Call of Duty and I need something to entertain myself while he yells at 13 and 14 year old children who should absolutely be in bed by now. There is so much going on everyday that I need a way to get it out. My life is changing, my body is changing...its a lot to handle! Writing was always such a great outlet for me, so I thought I'd give it a try.


But anyway, I found out something that touched my heart so deeply that it made me want to cry. Apparently, the night I met Levi, he texted his best friend and told him that he was sure this was going to last forever. 


COME ON. 


How can you NOT melt over that?!


I wish there were enough adjectives in the english language to let you know what a great guy I married. He is the best, I just don't know how I got so lucky. 


And we are so excited for our Avery to get here. We talk about her every day, I think about her all the time. I hope she knows how much we already love and adore her. I hope she knows how much we have wanted her every single day, even when we were scared and unsure of which step to take next. I hope she always knows that. 


Since I moved into Levi's house, he has been working pretty much non-stop to get it ready for Avery. I feel like he is working himself to the bone, but I know how much pride he gets out of fixing the house up for us. He has put in new blinds, a new kitchen cabinet, new curtains, two ceiling fans, and this past weekend, new floors.  This place looks so different from when I first met him, lol. 


It is such a good feeling to be happy, every day. And I truly am, every single day I have to take a break and just let it soak in. Everything I've ever wanted, God gave me. Maybe not in the most conventional or timely manner, but still, its His plan, not mine. 


I have no complaints. 

Moving on

You know how sometimes you see things coming at you from a mile away? You instinctively know something, but you choose to lie to yourself in order to protect your feelings? Oh come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We all do it. We all tell ourselves these little lies so that the truth stays at bay for just a while longer. Maybe its to toughen up to reality? Give ourselves time to accept it, figure out a game plan. I didn't figure out a game plan, I wish I had. I was too busy making myself believe the lies I kept telling myself. I was sure that if I believed them enough, they would come true. 


False.


What now? Eh you got me. This is good in a way, I was wanting to go home to Memphis for a few weeks to renew myself. Now there is honestly and truly nothing holding me back. 


Ok, truth time. I'm happy for him, I am. Not as happy as I would have been had he chosen me, but hey, we can't win them all, right? Just guys, please, do this for me, don't make girls believe things that aren't true. We are much tougher creatures than you would think. I personally always appreciate the truth, I may freak out about it initially, but I'd rather have the truth than you lying to my face....that's totally uncool. I'm just saying. 


Back to my other rant. So, what's wrong with me? Really. I need someone to explain it to me. I need to know what I keep doing wrong so that it doesn't happen again. *sigh* Dear life, you really suck and you really need to start getting better. 


You know what's hilarious? Comical even? I prayed about this very situation last night. I mean, I really did. I said "God, I don't know what to do, so please just take care of this for me". Why does He choose to act when I don't really want him to? Not cool. Necessary, but not cool. I was just doing more damage to myself than I should have been. I'm already a damaged soul, self-imposed pain is not really advisable. 


There's nothing I can do now but pick myself up, put the pieces together that have needed to be put back together for months, and move forward. You get a lot more out of life with optimism than with pessimism, right? Yes, you do. 


I wish I had slept last night. I was up with little Odin until about 6 am. Poor little guy. He was breaking my heart all night. And now I'm sitting here talking with another good friend who is on the verge of a possible break up and isn't doing well. Not to be selfish, but I really needed someone else to focus on for a little while. I'm not happy that anyone I know is in pain, but I do appreciate the opportunity to help someone else right now. 


Oh life, just please start going my way soon, ok? Please? I'd be eternally grateful, I really would. 

Late night musings...aka what happens when I can't sleep.

I'm not sure that I've ever met a person who truly has everything he or she wants. At one point or another, we all come across something, or even someone, that we just can't seem to reach. So, the question is, do you let that rejection (or fear of) keep you stationary, or do you use it to propel yourself forward in life?

Once the realization and acceptance hits, you have two options. You either allow the subtle acceptance of self-imposed mediocracy to take over and guide you, or you close your eyes and jump. The anticipation of the jump is what seems to provide us with the most fear. The unknown is scary. For the most part, we stick with what is safe, regardless of what we say to others. But who knows? Maybe that thing/place/person that you always saw as unattainable, was just waiting for you to jump, so it could be there to catch you?

What is my "unattainable"? There are plenty of things. Trust me. Why do we all reach for those things we can't have? Maybe an innate desire to keep ourselves safe? To keep our hearts, dreams, and lives unharmed? To make sure that we don't try too hard, don't try to exert too much effort? To make sure we don't hurt?

If you're looking for an answer...you've come to the wrong place. I don't know. You don't know. We, collectively, do not know. Nor are we supposed to...at least that's what I tell myself. When things go wrong, or at least not according to MY plans, I tell myself that its for a reason I am not meant to understand, not yet anyway. I don't know why I find comfort in that, but I do. I like knowing that someone else has planned my life out. I like knowing that, at the end of any pain or discomfort, I am one step closer to living the life I was meant to have.

I don't know why we all fight for control. I've been fighting a losing battle for quite some time. Letting go of control is so much easier said than done. I like to compare it to communism: great in theory, terrible in practice.


Where do these thoughts come from? I don't have the slightest idea...this is what happens when sleep escapes me.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Curse running out of Ambien on a night like this, huh? My brain has been in hyperdrive since about 11pm....someone put some unnecessary thoughts into my head and I can't seem to get past it. I think too much, always have. Overanalyzing is a tragic character flaw, and one that is quite difficult to retrain. I'm working on it though, I really am. I'm super anxious too, I'm waiting on a really important phone call and an even more important email that I would just like to get and be done with. Hurry up folks, my nerves can only take so much per week. 


Anyway.


There's this song, called Glitter in the Air, its by Pink. It absolutely makes me cry every time I listen to it. Sometimes, something is so pure that it reaches the very depths of your soul, and that's what this song does. There aren't many songs like this one anymore, I suggest you listen to it, even if you aren't a fan...'tis that good. You can feel the bittersweet emotion she must have been feeling when writing it. 


Jessy, if you don't already know, if my cousin and my best friend in creation, and is also one of the three most hilarious people I know. I think, though, that I lost some respect points for him today when he started singing a Lindsay Lohan song from Teenage Drama Queen...the only reason I should know that is because I was a 14 year old girl when it came out....he is a male, and should not even know that movie exists. And we took a late night Grease-tals run (well he got Krystals, I went to Wendys)...and spent the entire wait in the drive through threatening to get out of the car and do the moon walk to Bust A Move. I wish he would have, that would have made for a killer YouTube video. 


I committed a first today: first time going to see a movie by myself. I KNOW! I'm growing up for real now. It really wasn't bad, I don't know why I've never done it before...oh right...because I usually talk through movies and drive people crazy. I don't really care though, its all part of the movie watching experience for me. I love movies. They are a fantastic escape...although I do partially blame them for some of my issues in life at the current moment, but that is a whole other post. Tomorrow maybe. 

Go see Eli.

Have you ever seen a movie that really made you think? One that made you re-examine the way you have been living your life thus far? Well, I just did...and I sure did leave that movie theater in such a fantastic mood. 

So I was supposed to go out tonight, a small date if you will. But I first decided to cancel in order to watch the season premier of Lost. Then I remembered that there is this thing called DVR so I decided to go see a movie instead. And I absolutely do not regret that decision for one split second. 

Go see The Book of Eli immediately. 

Seriously, stop everything that you are doing and go. Right now! Chop chop! It was, by far, one of the best movies I have ever ever seen. Denzel Washington is a superb actor to begin with, but in this movie...WOW. I usually get really bored about halfway through a movie, and have to get up and walk around (I'm really antsy all the time, I cannot help myself), but I seriously could not move during this movie. I know I may be making too big of a deal out of it, but I absolutely needed to see this movie right now. 

I'm also in a good mood today because I finally got to talk to my Nella. I've not talked to her in months, so we had much to talk about. I sought out her advice on a number of things, and I was quite surprised at what she had to say. I wasn't expecting it, but she gave me the advice I would expect out of a man. I typically do not listen to what other females tell me do, as we all tend to be wrong....we lead with our hearts not our minds...but to her, I will listen wholeheartedly. 

I also got to do my very favorite thing in the world today: go to the bookstore. I sat there for two hours, reading books and just clearing my head. I always feel better when I can restore myself. I need time completely to myself in order to be fully happy. 

Today I actually realized that I miss working at Agape...WHAT?! Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did. It was reliable, boring, but reliable. Sometimes in life, you need both of those things. Nothing wrong with being less than exciting and leading a slightly boring life....I need a boring life for a little while.

Doot da doot, I have so much expendable energy today. I went through a bit of a rough patch this morning, but I got myself straightened out. I really hurt someone's feelings last night and have had a difficult time recovering from that. I've never been the one to turn someone away before, so its all been new for me. I also need to remind myself daily that a relationship is not what I need right now. I need to enjoy being young, and when the time is right, nothing will keep the right person from hopping on to my path. Hey Michael Buble, keep on singing Haven't Met You Yet right into my ear, k? 

So I made an executive, and rather important, decision today. After graduation, I'm bouncing straight out of Nashville. I've been here for 6 years, and the things I have been looking for have yet to come my way. I'm going to remain open-minded for the next few months, until I'm completely done with school, but if a few things don't change by then, I'm outta here. Where shall I be going? Don't know, don't care. I talked briefly with Nella today about possible heading back up Ra-cha-cha. I'm looking into a lot of different job options right now. I just need a change, you know? Nashville just isn't doing it for me anymore, the spark has died in our relationship. 

White Collar is on. Matthew Bomer (Neal Caffrey) is gorgeous. Leave me alone. 

My Stupid Mouth.

THERE IS SO MUCH SNOW AND ICE OUTSIDE ITS RIDICULOUS!

Funniest part of it all: Jessy thought it would be a good idea to go to work with his dad this morning, thinking that the store wouldn't stay open very long...guess what...now he's stuck there. Hahahahahahaahhahaha. I don't know why I find this so amazingly hilarious, but I really do. I can always find a way to laugh at the misfortune of others, does that make me a bad person? Maybe just a little? Sorry.

We are all officially homebound here in Nashville. I've heard that some of the main roads aren't too awful, but its all the roads that people actually live on that are impossible to drive on. I've gotten lots of texts and calls already this morning from friends, to tell me of their stories of perseverance as they walked to the grocery store. Its so funny to me, because if this had happened back in New York, no one would have even flinched.

I have a lot on my mind, and the one person I would like to talk to is the one person I am not supposed to be talking to. Its forming quite the conundrum in my fragile little mind. The problem is that I know I've already said too much to him, and that I'm probably only succeeding in just pushing him further and further away. I've got to keep my mouth shut. SHUT UP TORI. Someone please, just remind me to shut up, ok? Probably easier said than done, I'm a stubborn lady.

I need to find a way to distract myself today. What shall I do? Watch more movies? Play cards? Play video games? Clean (haha, I know, I laughed at that one too)? I just need to focus my energy on anything other than the text messages that still remain with no response.

John Mayer's My Stupid Mouth is flying like lightning through my mind this morning. Story.Of.My.Life.

Aye Tori, you are a mess. Get it together, this is not an attractive look for you.

Ok, drama over. Worrying=done. I need to learn to relinquish control...or what I like to think of as my ability to change situations and people. It can't be done. Its important to learn in this life that there are some things that you just have to let be. Well, its important for me to learn that anyway, that's a lesson I've gone 23 years merely trying to skim over.

I can do it.

I think.

Does it even exist? When we plan...God laughs in our faces.

When did I become such a cynic? That's what I would like to know right now. I always used to pride myself on being annoyingly optimistic about situations. No matter what, no matter how down-trodden a situation got, or sad I was, how upset I became, deep down, I always knew that there was something positive to come from it. Now...I don't know what I believe.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great life. I have amazing friends, wow the best. My family is spectacular, so loving and supportive. School is going really well...finally graduating in May, yay Masters! I am figuring out exactly what I want to do with my life (and it feels great). But there's something missing. The only thing I want, more than I want oxygen. I want to fall in love, for real this time. No jokes, no gimmicks, no mind games, just real and true love. Unfortunately, in order to that, I would have to have my faith in humanity repaired...that's a difficult one. If you think you can do that, my goodness, please go for it.

Why so jaded, you may ask? Its my own fault really. I see things from people that aren't there. I displace my own emotions and feelings onto those of others. I read too much into things... but I also take things at face value. If you tell me something, I'm going to believe you. I'm going to take your words to heart, I should have learned a long time ago not to do that.

I don't know why I was made into such a hopeless romantic. I don't have the answers to most of my questions about why love is so important to me. I've been showered with love from family and friends my whole life. Most people my age are so blessed to have already fallen in love by this point in their lives. I, well, I'm not that lucky. I thought I was in love, for a short time. But deep down I knew that's not  what it was. I don't know what it was, but love it most certainly was not.

Why not me? I mean, my parents are so happy, and have been incandescently happy with one another since age 18. My brother and his wife have been together since they were 16. Most of my friends have found the love of their life, I am fast approaching the title of the "single one" (hate it).

Maybe its not me. Maybe its the choices I make in the people I date. I've dated some doozies, that's for sure. If you know me, you know my stories. They are out of this world! I thought recently, that maybe I'd found it. But it was too fast, it was too much, it was too real. Stepping away was the best thing to do, maybe better for him than me...he wants to date around...I don't date around, we all know this. Who knows, it could've been a line. So I searched out people I trust on this situation. Got the same answers from most of the girls I talked to, and the same answers out of the guys I talked to...and guess what...they were completely opposite. NICE. Men are from Mars, women from Venus, right? That seems to be becoming more and more true as I get older.

I was having a hard time with all of these things tonight, so I sought out my very good and true friend Garrett. Unfortunately, being a man, he told me many things I didn't want to hear. Some things, I expected, other things hit me from out of nowhere. However, he is a very deep and profound man, and I don't think I will ever forget his answer to my question of why is it impossible for me to find exactly what I'm looking for (or when I think I've found it, why can't I have it?):
      "God puts people in our lives for a reason, some to challenge faith, some to inspire, others to enrich our lives. But all of it will lead to the person God has chosen for you. That's why I've stayed strong, all of it will lead me to my soulmate".
Told you, he is profound.

I've lost so much faith in people, and in love, that the notion of a soulmate has become foreign to me. I absolutely used to believe in soulmates with every fiber of my very being. I was so convinced that out of all the 8 billion people on this planet, surely one of them was put out there for solely for me, and I for him. That used to keep me hanging on. Then I did this retarded thing called "dating". Someone HIT ME IN THE FACE for thinking it was a good idea! Ok, I take that back. I've actually come away with some very good friends because of that choice. There are exactly 5 people I can think of whom I would never have ever known had I decided to not date. And those 5 people are 5 people I am so insanely close to, I can tell them anything. I don't have to talk to them every day, but I know they are always there for me, and I am there for them.

I'm continuing my conversation with my very deep friend as I type this frenzy of words here. He just posed the following question "think back about all the people in your life. Has anyone ever been in your life exactly when they needed to be?". Answer? BIG RESOUNDING NO. Maybe that's because I need to get all my stuff together first, and just focus on making myself happy.

 I can tell you exactly the last time that I lived my life just for me. The summer before and my entire junior year of college. I was in the best shape of my life, my grades were phenomenol, everyone knew me, I was completely content being me. I didn't need anyone else to complete me, which made me appreciate every one so much more. But then I got overwhelmed. I had to impress everyone. I had to live up to unrealistic expectations I had set for myself. I became a shell of my former self. On the outside, I was still the Tori that everyone knew, but on the inside, it became a daily struggle. It only got massively worse when I started dating Satan. He sucked the very life out of me. I'm still trying to get it back, and I want it back the way it was before I ever even knew him.

I want to laugh and mean it all the time, I want to be effortlessly happy everyday. I want to believe people when they tell me I'm worth more than what I have been dealt thus far in my life. I used to believe it all. But then I did something stupid. I let other people determine my worth. I let their decisions determine the course of my life. Up until this last guy I met, I became what every guy wanted me to be, and it was never fully me. It was a distorted version of myself. I could always find little bits and pieces of me in there, but I always walked away going "who the hell was that?".

Being with someone, being in a relationship, should mean having no issue being entirely yourself. Our faults should be viewed as quirky character traits that only that one special person can truly love and enjoy. I know I'm not perfect...in fact, I'm not even in the same stratosphere as perfect, but for someone...I will be. I will be everything he needs, everything he wants, forever. Forever is such a long time, eh? But who doesn't honestly want to find forever with someone? Ok well maybe someone with antisocial personality disorder, or a paranoid schizophrenic, or even someone with paranoid personality disorder, but that's a totally different situation.

I need to find my faith again. My life made more sense when it was ruled by faith. I gave up on all of that so long ago, and I wish I never had. I'm glad that I'm finally realizing how far away I've strayed, and I know its going to be killer trying to work my way back to that. I have to believe there is a plan for my life, and I have to believe that love is a part of that plan. There is no reason why I would have such a capacity for love, such a desire for love, if I am not meant to have it. I know its out there somewhere, and I know I have to be patient. The man I am supposed to spend my life with could be someone I've never even met yet, or he could be someone I already know. Its timing, and its God's plan...not mine.

Let's just all hope that I can hold strong to this, and that I can remain the strong-willed, stubborn girl that everyone knows and loves (right?) :). I have to, otherwise I will be miserable until the day I die.

He's out there, we just both have to get our acts together, get our lives on the right tracks that will lead us straight to one another. And once the timing is right, then the place will be right, we will be right, and there will be no looking back, no second guessing, no cold feet. If I don't maintain this belief, I would be betraying my very core. I would be throwing out everything I have always believed in.

And I have always, always believed in love.

To feel or not to feel.

I've spent the better part of my life as a self-described hopeless romantic. I had the dream that a man would come along and realize that I am all he would ever need for the rest of his life, and that he would go through hell or high water to be with me. I prayed and prayed that there was someone out there for me, I mean surely, in a world of 8 billion people, there's got to be someone, right?


I have prayed to God that He would send me someone to love. But I guess its that whole unanswered prayer thing again. It is highly possible that I'm not meant to find anyone. I mean, some people do go through their whole lives without ever truly finding love. What makes me think that I should deserve it? 


I didn't date in high school, mostly because I didn't want to. In college, however, new doors opened and date I certainly did. Nothing ever panned out though, none of those guys were right for me. And then a guy came along who really liked me, who claimed to love me, and I jumped right in. I didn't recognize the fact that he was a bad person all around or that he was cruel and mean. I so desperately wanted to know what love felt like, that I put up with it...for far too long. 


So then I closed myself off. I decided to be done with trying. But I knew I couldn't live that way. Its just not who I am. So I opened myself back up. I went on a number of dates, things didn't pan out for whatever reason, or we found that we could be the best of friends but that's about it. 


I feel destined to forever be the best friend. Its a role I fit into quite well. I know I'm nothing special; if I was, someone would have recognized that by now, right? Someone would have seen that I'm everything he needs. But its not happening. I'm just middle of the road, slightly mediocre, plain ol' Tori. I wish someone would come along who could see there's so much more to me. I wish someone would come along who could see just how much I have to give. Because good grief do I have a lot to give. I was made to love someone wholeheartedly, and I just can't understand why I'm not enough in anyone's eyes to do so. 


There's a reason I put up walls in my life. I don't like to open myself up to being hurt. Believe me, I've been hurt enough for a flippin' lifetime. 


So where do I go from here? Do I keep letting myself get hurt? Do I put hope and faith into something that I'm not even sure exists? What I can feel happening is that I am closing up, I am going to start pushing people away. 


Is love even real? Maybe I should stop watching so many girly movies that give us unrealistic expectations of love. Maybe I should just live in reality and accept the life I have. You don't open yourself up and you can't get hurt. But at the same time, I don't believe that either. We wouldn't have been given a range of emotions if we weren't supposed to feel them. Closing myself off from being hurt could close me off from living. It could keep me from finding that person I'm supposed to find. But, it could also keep my already fragile heart safe. 


I should more like a guy, you know? Guys don't invest much into relationships. They look out for themselves only, well usually. And its really not a good thing when you just give them what they want, because then they don't feel like they need to try anymore or feel like they need to invest anything in you. Sometimes I feel like guys prey on girls like me. You know, the ones with little to no self-esteem, the ones who have been trampled and would give almost anything to feel loved again, the ones who are so ready to give themselves away. Eh I don't know what I'm saying half the time. My head is so full of emotions and thoughts, I kind of hate it. I want it to just shut up for a little while. Shh brain, hush. 


And then there are the times when a guy likes you, but is also searching for something better to come along. Its certainly happened to me before. I'm great until someone more awesome waltzes in (and being more awesome is not difficult). Maybe I should stop being so hard on myself. Its hard to sit back and watch everyone else in my life be so happy in their relationships. They are all starting to settle down, more into the next phase of life's progression, and I feel like I'm being left behind in a lot of ways. 


There's also the times, and this is my most experienced situation, when I want someone I just can't have. The unattainable has always been so appealing to me. Wanting someone who is just too good for you is painful, because they will never allow themselves to get to know you. 


Its important to learn not to invest too much into people. Keep your distance, keep your sanity. Don't allow yourself to get attached, don't allow your heart to get involved. Those are the rules I should be following I suppose. To feel or not to feel, that is the question. I just know that there has got to be more to life than just this.I don't want to give up on love, I don't want to accept defeat. But I don't want to open myself up to pain either. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't like being confused and not knowing what's next. I need to know where things are going, so I know whether or not to move on and stop wasting my time. I feel like I need those big prompter cards, you know what I mean? Perhaps a road map for the rest of my life, that'd be pretty awesome. 




Sappy, I know, but a lot of it is speaking right to my heart currently. I think I needed to do this. I needed to sob out my emotions and write it out, and hopefully then just put it away. I think I need to turn off my heart for a little while. I'm not the girl who is going to end up with the man of my dreams, I'm the kind of girl who will either end up alone or end up severely settling. I so want to be proven wrong, I just keep praying that someone will prove me wrong.