Moving on

You know how sometimes you see things coming at you from a mile away? You instinctively know something, but you choose to lie to yourself in order to protect your feelings? Oh come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We all do it. We all tell ourselves these little lies so that the truth stays at bay for just a while longer. Maybe its to toughen up to reality? Give ourselves time to accept it, figure out a game plan. I didn't figure out a game plan, I wish I had. I was too busy making myself believe the lies I kept telling myself. I was sure that if I believed them enough, they would come true. 


False.


What now? Eh you got me. This is good in a way, I was wanting to go home to Memphis for a few weeks to renew myself. Now there is honestly and truly nothing holding me back. 


Ok, truth time. I'm happy for him, I am. Not as happy as I would have been had he chosen me, but hey, we can't win them all, right? Just guys, please, do this for me, don't make girls believe things that aren't true. We are much tougher creatures than you would think. I personally always appreciate the truth, I may freak out about it initially, but I'd rather have the truth than you lying to my face....that's totally uncool. I'm just saying. 


Back to my other rant. So, what's wrong with me? Really. I need someone to explain it to me. I need to know what I keep doing wrong so that it doesn't happen again. *sigh* Dear life, you really suck and you really need to start getting better. 


You know what's hilarious? Comical even? I prayed about this very situation last night. I mean, I really did. I said "God, I don't know what to do, so please just take care of this for me". Why does He choose to act when I don't really want him to? Not cool. Necessary, but not cool. I was just doing more damage to myself than I should have been. I'm already a damaged soul, self-imposed pain is not really advisable. 


There's nothing I can do now but pick myself up, put the pieces together that have needed to be put back together for months, and move forward. You get a lot more out of life with optimism than with pessimism, right? Yes, you do. 


I wish I had slept last night. I was up with little Odin until about 6 am. Poor little guy. He was breaking my heart all night. And now I'm sitting here talking with another good friend who is on the verge of a possible break up and isn't doing well. Not to be selfish, but I really needed someone else to focus on for a little while. I'm not happy that anyone I know is in pain, but I do appreciate the opportunity to help someone else right now. 


Oh life, just please start going my way soon, ok? Please? I'd be eternally grateful, I really would. 

Late night musings...aka what happens when I can't sleep.

I'm not sure that I've ever met a person who truly has everything he or she wants. At one point or another, we all come across something, or even someone, that we just can't seem to reach. So, the question is, do you let that rejection (or fear of) keep you stationary, or do you use it to propel yourself forward in life?

Once the realization and acceptance hits, you have two options. You either allow the subtle acceptance of self-imposed mediocracy to take over and guide you, or you close your eyes and jump. The anticipation of the jump is what seems to provide us with the most fear. The unknown is scary. For the most part, we stick with what is safe, regardless of what we say to others. But who knows? Maybe that thing/place/person that you always saw as unattainable, was just waiting for you to jump, so it could be there to catch you?

What is my "unattainable"? There are plenty of things. Trust me. Why do we all reach for those things we can't have? Maybe an innate desire to keep ourselves safe? To keep our hearts, dreams, and lives unharmed? To make sure that we don't try too hard, don't try to exert too much effort? To make sure we don't hurt?

If you're looking for an answer...you've come to the wrong place. I don't know. You don't know. We, collectively, do not know. Nor are we supposed to...at least that's what I tell myself. When things go wrong, or at least not according to MY plans, I tell myself that its for a reason I am not meant to understand, not yet anyway. I don't know why I find comfort in that, but I do. I like knowing that someone else has planned my life out. I like knowing that, at the end of any pain or discomfort, I am one step closer to living the life I was meant to have.

I don't know why we all fight for control. I've been fighting a losing battle for quite some time. Letting go of control is so much easier said than done. I like to compare it to communism: great in theory, terrible in practice.


Where do these thoughts come from? I don't have the slightest idea...this is what happens when sleep escapes me.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Curse running out of Ambien on a night like this, huh? My brain has been in hyperdrive since about 11pm....someone put some unnecessary thoughts into my head and I can't seem to get past it. I think too much, always have. Overanalyzing is a tragic character flaw, and one that is quite difficult to retrain. I'm working on it though, I really am. I'm super anxious too, I'm waiting on a really important phone call and an even more important email that I would just like to get and be done with. Hurry up folks, my nerves can only take so much per week. 


Anyway.


There's this song, called Glitter in the Air, its by Pink. It absolutely makes me cry every time I listen to it. Sometimes, something is so pure that it reaches the very depths of your soul, and that's what this song does. There aren't many songs like this one anymore, I suggest you listen to it, even if you aren't a fan...'tis that good. You can feel the bittersweet emotion she must have been feeling when writing it. 


Jessy, if you don't already know, if my cousin and my best friend in creation, and is also one of the three most hilarious people I know. I think, though, that I lost some respect points for him today when he started singing a Lindsay Lohan song from Teenage Drama Queen...the only reason I should know that is because I was a 14 year old girl when it came out....he is a male, and should not even know that movie exists. And we took a late night Grease-tals run (well he got Krystals, I went to Wendys)...and spent the entire wait in the drive through threatening to get out of the car and do the moon walk to Bust A Move. I wish he would have, that would have made for a killer YouTube video. 


I committed a first today: first time going to see a movie by myself. I KNOW! I'm growing up for real now. It really wasn't bad, I don't know why I've never done it before...oh right...because I usually talk through movies and drive people crazy. I don't really care though, its all part of the movie watching experience for me. I love movies. They are a fantastic escape...although I do partially blame them for some of my issues in life at the current moment, but that is a whole other post. Tomorrow maybe. 

Go see Eli.

Have you ever seen a movie that really made you think? One that made you re-examine the way you have been living your life thus far? Well, I just did...and I sure did leave that movie theater in such a fantastic mood. 

So I was supposed to go out tonight, a small date if you will. But I first decided to cancel in order to watch the season premier of Lost. Then I remembered that there is this thing called DVR so I decided to go see a movie instead. And I absolutely do not regret that decision for one split second. 

Go see The Book of Eli immediately. 

Seriously, stop everything that you are doing and go. Right now! Chop chop! It was, by far, one of the best movies I have ever ever seen. Denzel Washington is a superb actor to begin with, but in this movie...WOW. I usually get really bored about halfway through a movie, and have to get up and walk around (I'm really antsy all the time, I cannot help myself), but I seriously could not move during this movie. I know I may be making too big of a deal out of it, but I absolutely needed to see this movie right now. 

I'm also in a good mood today because I finally got to talk to my Nella. I've not talked to her in months, so we had much to talk about. I sought out her advice on a number of things, and I was quite surprised at what she had to say. I wasn't expecting it, but she gave me the advice I would expect out of a man. I typically do not listen to what other females tell me do, as we all tend to be wrong....we lead with our hearts not our minds...but to her, I will listen wholeheartedly. 

I also got to do my very favorite thing in the world today: go to the bookstore. I sat there for two hours, reading books and just clearing my head. I always feel better when I can restore myself. I need time completely to myself in order to be fully happy. 

Today I actually realized that I miss working at Agape...WHAT?! Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did. It was reliable, boring, but reliable. Sometimes in life, you need both of those things. Nothing wrong with being less than exciting and leading a slightly boring life....I need a boring life for a little while.

Doot da doot, I have so much expendable energy today. I went through a bit of a rough patch this morning, but I got myself straightened out. I really hurt someone's feelings last night and have had a difficult time recovering from that. I've never been the one to turn someone away before, so its all been new for me. I also need to remind myself daily that a relationship is not what I need right now. I need to enjoy being young, and when the time is right, nothing will keep the right person from hopping on to my path. Hey Michael Buble, keep on singing Haven't Met You Yet right into my ear, k? 

So I made an executive, and rather important, decision today. After graduation, I'm bouncing straight out of Nashville. I've been here for 6 years, and the things I have been looking for have yet to come my way. I'm going to remain open-minded for the next few months, until I'm completely done with school, but if a few things don't change by then, I'm outta here. Where shall I be going? Don't know, don't care. I talked briefly with Nella today about possible heading back up Ra-cha-cha. I'm looking into a lot of different job options right now. I just need a change, you know? Nashville just isn't doing it for me anymore, the spark has died in our relationship. 

White Collar is on. Matthew Bomer (Neal Caffrey) is gorgeous. Leave me alone.