Go. to. sleep.

I should be asleep....its 2:45am, I really really should be asleep. But our friends left a little bit ago, Bella is whining because the blanket I put in her crate wasn't totally dry, and I'm hungry. Pregnancy makes you SO HUNGRY. Right now, in this moment, I would love to have a nice double order of waffle house hashbrowns, scattered, covered, and chunked. Yep, my mouth is watering just thinking about it, that's how badly I want some. In the meantime, I'll settle for my banana and fiber one bar (surprisingly tasty). 


I was thinking the other day about dreams. I had so many dreams for my life. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to make an impact, I wanted to change someone's life. Things are...different now. Not in a bad way, just different. Its weird to not put myself first ever. I don't often think about what I want, and even when I do, its for a fleeting moment. I have two concerns in this life: Avery and Levi...not necessarily in that order. I find myself willingly pushing my own wants and needs out of the way in order to ensure their happiness. 


For Avery, all I ask for is the world. That doesn't seem like too much to ask, honestly. Why shouldn't she have it all? I don't want her to be afraid to live out her dreams. For Levi...I just want him to be happy. Whatever that means, what ever it takes, I just love to see him happy. I hate seeing him go to work every day to a job he hates, working himself so hard so that I can have a life he seems to think I deserve. Its amazing to me sometimes to think of how quickly my plans changed. Don't misunderstand, I'm not unhappy about it, its just crazy. Deep down, I always wanted to be a wife and a mother, and I'm getting both of those things...its just...almost overwhelming sometimes. But in the best way possible. I can't wait for our baby to get here, and I love waking up every day knowing I get to spend it with a man I love. 


I was told this week to think about what I wanted for myself...I'm constantly told not to forget about myself. That's much easier said than done, I'm finding. Between laundry, cleaning, taking care of dogs, cooking, taking care of a husband, and preparing myself for the baby, I find that I'm sometimes losing myself. It doesn't scare me or worry me, I guess I think that its normal. I watched my mom live for the three of us my whole life, so I guess innately I know its the role I'm supposed to take on. I don't know...its an adjustment.


(I'm writing this and trying to be quiet, but I'm whisper-yelling at Bella for being so loud, and trying to quietly open my snack bar. I never realized how loud typing could be either....I just don't want to wake Levi (although at this point I believe that to be impossible...he is a heavy sleeper). )


I think the real reason I'm up is because my mind just won't shut off tonight. I think about a million things a day...mostly of them having to do with Avery and our changing lives. I wonder if I'll be a good mom, I wonder if all these motherly instincts will kick in when she gets here or if I seriously need to go read one of the ten million books out there on parenting. I wonder if I'll ever figure out the whole good-wife thing. I try, but I know its taking some getting used to. I wonder if I'll ever figure out the right balance of things. Its a lot harder than I ever imagined. 


I think I'm getting there...its only been two months of marriage but I'm kind of on the fast track here. I have a lot of learning to do in a very short time. I don't regret it, not in the slightest. I wouldn't change anything. I love my life. I'm happier than I've ever been, I'm just still learning is all.