Moving on

You know how sometimes you see things coming at you from a mile away? You instinctively know something, but you choose to lie to yourself in order to protect your feelings? Oh come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We all do it. We all tell ourselves these little lies so that the truth stays at bay for just a while longer. Maybe its to toughen up to reality? Give ourselves time to accept it, figure out a game plan. I didn't figure out a game plan, I wish I had. I was too busy making myself believe the lies I kept telling myself. I was sure that if I believed them enough, they would come true. 


False.


What now? Eh you got me. This is good in a way, I was wanting to go home to Memphis for a few weeks to renew myself. Now there is honestly and truly nothing holding me back. 


Ok, truth time. I'm happy for him, I am. Not as happy as I would have been had he chosen me, but hey, we can't win them all, right? Just guys, please, do this for me, don't make girls believe things that aren't true. We are much tougher creatures than you would think. I personally always appreciate the truth, I may freak out about it initially, but I'd rather have the truth than you lying to my face....that's totally uncool. I'm just saying. 


Back to my other rant. So, what's wrong with me? Really. I need someone to explain it to me. I need to know what I keep doing wrong so that it doesn't happen again. *sigh* Dear life, you really suck and you really need to start getting better. 


You know what's hilarious? Comical even? I prayed about this very situation last night. I mean, I really did. I said "God, I don't know what to do, so please just take care of this for me". Why does He choose to act when I don't really want him to? Not cool. Necessary, but not cool. I was just doing more damage to myself than I should have been. I'm already a damaged soul, self-imposed pain is not really advisable. 


There's nothing I can do now but pick myself up, put the pieces together that have needed to be put back together for months, and move forward. You get a lot more out of life with optimism than with pessimism, right? Yes, you do. 


I wish I had slept last night. I was up with little Odin until about 6 am. Poor little guy. He was breaking my heart all night. And now I'm sitting here talking with another good friend who is on the verge of a possible break up and isn't doing well. Not to be selfish, but I really needed someone else to focus on for a little while. I'm not happy that anyone I know is in pain, but I do appreciate the opportunity to help someone else right now. 


Oh life, just please start going my way soon, ok? Please? I'd be eternally grateful, I really would.