Late night musings...aka what happens when I can't sleep.

I'm not sure that I've ever met a person who truly has everything he or she wants. At one point or another, we all come across something, or even someone, that we just can't seem to reach. So, the question is, do you let that rejection (or fear of) keep you stationary, or do you use it to propel yourself forward in life?

Once the realization and acceptance hits, you have two options. You either allow the subtle acceptance of self-imposed mediocracy to take over and guide you, or you close your eyes and jump. The anticipation of the jump is what seems to provide us with the most fear. The unknown is scary. For the most part, we stick with what is safe, regardless of what we say to others. But who knows? Maybe that thing/place/person that you always saw as unattainable, was just waiting for you to jump, so it could be there to catch you?

What is my "unattainable"? There are plenty of things. Trust me. Why do we all reach for those things we can't have? Maybe an innate desire to keep ourselves safe? To keep our hearts, dreams, and lives unharmed? To make sure that we don't try too hard, don't try to exert too much effort? To make sure we don't hurt?

If you're looking for an answer...you've come to the wrong place. I don't know. You don't know. We, collectively, do not know. Nor are we supposed to...at least that's what I tell myself. When things go wrong, or at least not according to MY plans, I tell myself that its for a reason I am not meant to understand, not yet anyway. I don't know why I find comfort in that, but I do. I like knowing that someone else has planned my life out. I like knowing that, at the end of any pain or discomfort, I am one step closer to living the life I was meant to have.

I don't know why we all fight for control. I've been fighting a losing battle for quite some time. Letting go of control is so much easier said than done. I like to compare it to communism: great in theory, terrible in practice.


Where do these thoughts come from? I don't have the slightest idea...this is what happens when sleep escapes me.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Curse running out of Ambien on a night like this, huh? My brain has been in hyperdrive since about 11pm....someone put some unnecessary thoughts into my head and I can't seem to get past it. I think too much, always have. Overanalyzing is a tragic character flaw, and one that is quite difficult to retrain. I'm working on it though, I really am. I'm super anxious too, I'm waiting on a really important phone call and an even more important email that I would just like to get and be done with. Hurry up folks, my nerves can only take so much per week. 


Anyway.


There's this song, called Glitter in the Air, its by Pink. It absolutely makes me cry every time I listen to it. Sometimes, something is so pure that it reaches the very depths of your soul, and that's what this song does. There aren't many songs like this one anymore, I suggest you listen to it, even if you aren't a fan...'tis that good. You can feel the bittersweet emotion she must have been feeling when writing it. 


Jessy, if you don't already know, if my cousin and my best friend in creation, and is also one of the three most hilarious people I know. I think, though, that I lost some respect points for him today when he started singing a Lindsay Lohan song from Teenage Drama Queen...the only reason I should know that is because I was a 14 year old girl when it came out....he is a male, and should not even know that movie exists. And we took a late night Grease-tals run (well he got Krystals, I went to Wendys)...and spent the entire wait in the drive through threatening to get out of the car and do the moon walk to Bust A Move. I wish he would have, that would have made for a killer YouTube video. 


I committed a first today: first time going to see a movie by myself. I KNOW! I'm growing up for real now. It really wasn't bad, I don't know why I've never done it before...oh right...because I usually talk through movies and drive people crazy. I don't really care though, its all part of the movie watching experience for me. I love movies. They are a fantastic escape...although I do partially blame them for some of my issues in life at the current moment, but that is a whole other post. Tomorrow maybe.